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Does Your Teen Have an Online Conscience?

Helping Teens Develop an Online Conscience
By Carolyn Jabs


           Most parents understand that social networking isn’t optional for teens anymore. However, teenagers often do and say things online that they wouldn’t consider doing or saying in RL (real life). That’s why it’s crucial they learn to make good decisions about how to protect—and project—themselves.

          One recent study by Dr. Megan A. Moreno of the University of Wisconsin found that, of 500 randomly selected profiles from 18 year old MySpace users, over half mentioned high risk behaviors including substance abuse, sexual activity and violence. Dr. Moreno is quick to point out that teens may not always engage in the behaviors they describe, but for most parents that percentage is alarming.

           But there are things a parent can do. “The protection tools parents use need to be developmentally appropriate,” notes Dr. Kimberly Mitchell, researcher at the Crimes against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire. Time limits or written contracts about behavior may be effective with 9-12 year olds, but adolescents need substantive conversations that will help them think through online behavior and whether it projects an image consistent with their goals and values.

           Parents who are reluctant to start these conversations because they feel uninformed will be relieved to know ignorance can work to their advantage. “Parents can encourage teens to share their expertise about technology," says Moreno. “In turn, parents can share their own expertise about healthy relationships, self-protection and anticipating consequences.” If nothing else, parents have the advantage of having lived through adolescence—and having managed to grow up. “It’s good for parents to look back and remember,” says Moreno. "A lot of what teens do online is a variation of what teens have always done.”

           Before starting a conversation with your child, poke around a little on Facebook or MySpace. Don’t hesitate to look for your child’s profile. “Teens have marketed the idea that websites are like diaries,” says Mitchell. "But if 200 million other people have access, parents should have access too.” If you can’t locate your child’s profile, compliment your teen on having the good sense to use privacy settings. “Ask how your child decides who should be in the inner circle,” suggests Dr. Moreno. Encourage them to think about the difference between getting to know someone online and face to face.

           Creating your own profile and “friending” a younger teen may be a good idea, but older teens will resist this supervision. If you trust your teen to drive without you in the back seat, you have to trust them to steer their social lives independently too. But just as you taught them how to drive and talked to them about what could happen in a dangerous driving situation, you need to talk to them about their online image. And it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t explore the profiles of other teens. “Parents can jump into the environment and see the kinds of things their kids are seeing,” says Moreno. “You can’t be a fly on the wall in gym class or at a keg party, but you can look at the Facebook group for your child’s high school.”

           Be prepared for shock as a first reaction. Social networking sites are notorious for being crude and rude. Then look a little deeper. The profiles posted by teens are often touchingly contradictory. A page laced with profanity may include “Finding Nemo” as a favorite movie. A page lined with Pooh Bear wallpaper may describe hard partying. Juxtapositions like these open the door to conversations with your child. “I noticed this kid bragging about how wasted he got. What does he get out of this behavior? Why is he posting it online?” Teens are less likely to be defensive in a discussion about what other teens are doing.

           Have these conversations even if your child is a model online citizen. “Even an adolescent who is behaving appropriately is being exposed to a lot,” says Mitchell. “Just in the area of health information, teens encounter problems like anorexia and self-injury. Kids have to process difficult information and they need help from adults.” Talk about what your child likes about being online. Then ask him or her to think critically about online activities. What behaviors are constructive? Which ones are foolish, self-destructive or even cruel? What do you do if someone seems to be in trouble? The goal is to engage your teen in thought-provoking conversation about which aspects of online life are positive and which are problematic.

           If you have concerns about your child’s social profile, find things to commend before tackling the tough stuff--“I like the way you used a drawing that really captures what’s unique about you.” Then talk about what’s worrisome—and why. This isn’t lecture time. Your teen is more likely to respond to genuine expressions of concern. Ask your child to help you understand posts that disturb you. Be as specific as you can about the risks you anticipate—especially those beyond the horizon your teen can see.

           Dr. Moreno’s research has convinced her that many young people will, over time, respond constructively to adult guidance. In one study, she sent e-mails to young people about risky behaviors mentioned online along with links to reliable sources of information about issues like pregnancy prevention, substance abuse and other health issues. Apparently it was effective; some teens changed their profile settings from public to private and others deleted references to risky behavior.

           The same study also confirmed that questionable behavior was less likely to show up in the profiles of young people who posted information about sports, hobbies and religious activities. Dr. Mitchell agrees that having a healthy family life and a trusting “go-to” relationship with parents helps teens make better decisions online. “Our research,” she says, “shows clearly that young people who engage in risky behaviors online tend to have problems offline including conflict with parents.” In other words, the best way parents can help teens integrate offline values into online lives is to build a close and trusting relationship.

 

Carolyn Jabs has been writing about family relationships and technology for over 20 years for publications ranging from Reader's Digest to Famly PC. She is also mother to three computer savvy kids. You can read Carolyn's column, Growing Up Online, in regional parenting publications from Staten Island to Sacramento as well as on her web site www.growing-up-online.com.

 

 
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