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 Parenting Related NewsI am betting that very few of you have sat through a week’s worth of sex education classes at your teenkid’s school. If your school district offers – or mandates – such classes, you no doubt have received a carefully crafted note listing the topics to be covered. And, if you have somehow managed to raise one of those rare tweens or teens who, in response to “so, what happened at school today?” replies polysyllabically, you might have a general notion of what goes on.
Being a responsive parent instead of a reactive parent begins with more matter-of-fact interactions with our kids. This means speaking to them in a calm manner and not freaking out, overreacting and getting extreme with our emotions. Too often, when we see something in our relationship that we don’t like, we try to change everything wholesale. We say things like, “From now on, things are going to be different!”
While it was hard to immediately see the outward effects of my pill intake, inside, I was detaching from reality. I always describe the feeling of being on pills as being inside a protective bubble. You feel like nothing can hurt you…and eventually, nothing can, simply because you’ve got no emotions left.
Let’s face it. Teens are not that interested in talking to someone whose sole intent is to pepper them with questions, judge their answers, and offer unsolicited advice. In fact, these forms of communication serve to obstruct rather than facilitate communication with our teens. As a matter of fact, they are part of a longer list of communication blocks that parents would do well to avoid if they’d want their teens to talk to them.
My colleague told me she was having her 10-year-old stepson practice his reading and comprehension skills while reading entries from my personal blog. Effectively, she noted, along the way she discovered that it’s a creative method of early drug prevention too.
Do you know an outstanding youth coach or student athlete who demonstrates a commitment to fair, drug-free play and an overall healthy lifestyle? Does this person inspire others to give it their all, make the team smile after a big defeat, or show exemplary character and integrity on and off the field?
If you answered YES, [...]
She smiled and said she was proud of him. He had come to a 180 degree turn in his life. And with that, he turned to the other teens and thanked them for helping him change his life. His victory became theirs.
One in five teenagers has abuse prescription pain medication. Dr. Drew shares some reasons why teens are abusing pills and what parents can do if they suspect their child is using.
Truth be told, the lessons about alcohol consumption that are the most powerful may just be the ones that are not accompanied by a wagging finger and a tongue lashing. It is the small, accumulated lessons about drinking that add up to make a difference.
As a college student living 5 hours away from my parents, I have the freedom to do pretty much whatever I want. If I got into any real trouble, with the university or the law, only then would the school contact my parents. Otherwise, I can get away with a lot without my parents ever knowing. That’s a scary thought for parents reading this, right?
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THE ENTITLED ADOLESCENTPicture this: A parent arrives home to find her teenage daughter in tears, surrounded by several expensive clothing choices thrown carelessly across her bed. “What in the world is wrong?” the mother asks, fearful that something terrible has happened. “I can’t decide which outfit to wear to the mall!” her daughter wails. Know anyone like this?
The Entitled Adolescent By Allison B. Friedman LCSW, ACSW
“Do-me-buy-me get-me-give-me”—does that sound familiar? You might recognize this sentiment if you are among the many parents of adolescents who are struggling to raise “Entitled Adolescents.” The entitled adolescent expects her parents--and the culture at large--to provide her with everything from opportunities to I-pods, with no strings attached. Our culture’s conspicuous consumerism and propensity for instant gratification, along with the media and myriad technologies, have helped to create an environment in which our teenagers have developed lofty expectations. The entitled teen believes she deserves the best, and she deserves it now. Raising the consciousness of the entitled adolescent can present a significant parenting challenge. Parenting expert Karen Deerwester, author of The Entitlement-Free Child (Sourcebooks, 2009), defines the behavior this way: “Entitlement Behavior is negative when it is defined by a Me-Mine-Now attitude and Me-Mine-Now actions. When entitlement becomes a relentless demand for immediate gratification (Me! Mine! Now!) it hurts the child and the child’s ability to work with others….” Parents hope to provide their adolescent children with a solid foundation of emotional support, educational opportunities, a sense of safety in the world, and the knowledge that they are loved and valued. For some teens, though, enough is never enough, and their sense that their parents—and the world in general---“owe” them something can become a critical roadblock to healthy adolescent development. The entitled adolescent is generally one who has not yet learned the connection between working to achieve a goal and the satisfaction of achieving it. The entitled, indulged teen may not understand the connection between one’s own efforts and the outcome. According to Dr. Richard Shadick, Director of the Counseling Center at Pace University and an expert on parent-teen communication, an indulgent parenting style can interfere with adolescents learning to manage their feelings and the strong impulses they may experience during the turbulent teen years. Shadick looks to an indifferent or permissive parenting style as increasing the risk that a teen will develop entitlement as a character trait. “When teens feel unseen,” notes Shadick, “they may become increasingly demanding, and minimally compliant with the demands that are made on them.” According to Shadick, an authoritative parenting style, in which setting clear limits, having reasonable expectations, and maintaining boundaries that a teen must honor, is associated with teenagers who are happier and better able to meet the normative challenges of growing up. Ben Leichtling, PhD, a psychotherapist and life coach specializing in work with children and adolescents, agrees. “Privileged, indulged children don’t hear enough of: “No” or “No, you have to work for that.” As parents, we must ensure that they have to struggle and sacrifice to get what’s worthwhile.” Leichtling further asserts that “Of course kids want everything they want; the problem is created when we doting parents give it to them. We must not allow ourselves to be bullied by our children and teenagers.” Deerwester notes that the difference between entitlement and non-entitlement parenting lies in a parent’s problem-solving style. When we see our adolescents struggling, we may feel a desire to rush in and help by making the problem disappear. In non-entitlement parenting, parents strive to be empathic towards their teen and acknowledge difficult circumstances or emotions without providing their child with solutions or jumping in to fix the problems for them. In responding this way, a parent is giving the teen the opportunity to respond successfully to age-appropriate challenges and is helping her to build an emotional vocabulary that will assist her in developing the skill set required for solving future dilemmas. Raising entitlement-free adolescents is critical for a family’s well-being. As Shadick points out, many adolescents have two working parents, and more teens than ever before are being raised in single parent families. There may be an unconscious tendency for time-challenged parents to substitute material things or excessive privilege in an attempt to make up for their physical absence. Parents who hope to reduce or eliminate signs of entitlement behavior in their teens need to be very clear about their own value system, and must set careful examples for their progeny. Shadick says parents must respect the need for teens to express themselves, and should encourage their children to do so, even if they disagree with their child’s point of view. He suggests that parents choose their battles carefully, and nurture their adolescents by providing them with less “stuff” and more quality time and personal attention. If your teen wants material things, helping him to work for some of what he wants will ultimately make those “things” more important to him. Encouraging our teens to experience gratitude for the things they already have is also important. Being grateful is associated with being happy, being satisfied and being able to appreciate things. Demonstrate this for your adolescent, and know that they are watching closely, whether they admit it or not. Examine your own lifestyle, and rethink your own priorities if necessary. If we approach our own lives with a sense of entitlement, we are modeling this for our teenagers. If we choose service and giving back to our communities through volunteerism and social action, we are demonstrating mutuality and interdependence. Encouraging our adolescent children to engage in this way can help them to gain perspective and move away from an entitled thinking style. Raising an entitlement-free adolescent is not an easy task, and may test both your patience and your parental backbones. There will still be times when “spoiling” your teen is appropriate, and you will enjoy those moments more fully if your teen truly appreciates what is being done for him. A “thank you” spoken with genuine gratitude is infinitely more enjoyable than the throw-away thank-you of the entitled teen. Setting limits for the entitled teen now will serve to insure greater happiness for your child in the future. And after all, isn’t that what good parenting is all about? Allison Friedman has been a Licensed Clinical Social Worker for over 25 years. She has a private practice in New Paltz, NY with a specialty in adolescents and young adults, and a staff position at Marist College's Counseling Center in Poughkeepsie. You can read her regular column entitled “Understanding Adolescence” in the Poughkeepsie Journal.
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