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Asking my son if he is gay
Question: I recently read my son's dream log. In it were several clearly homosexual dreams. I don't care if he is gay; I just want to know if I should approach him with this or wait for him to come to me. I want him to know I support him no matter what and maybe make these growing years a little easier if he knows he has an ally. He's 15 and fairly introverted as it is. Do you think it's better that he knows that I know or should I wait it out?
Posted By: Anonymous Answer: You sound like a very caring and sensitive parent and I can appreciate your wish to be supportive of your son. It is not really clear from your question whether he had given you permission to read his dream log. My guess is that his log is a kind of diary that is private and personal. I am, therefore, concerned that he may be hurt, resentful or even angry that you read his dream log unless he openly shared it with you.
Many young people have homosexual dreams even if they are heterosexual. Are you basing your question as to whether he is gay solely on his dream log or do you have other reasons to believe he may be homosexual? As you probably know your son is at the age when adolescents are exploring their sexual identity and there are many youngsters who experiment homosexually although basically their sexual orientation is heterosexual. From my experience teens who are openly gay generally acknowledge that they were aware of "being different" from their straight peers from a very young age.
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your son so perhaps you could suggest a discussion about sexuality in general, letting him know that you are open to any questions he may have. I don't think it is a good idea to tell him you are bringing up this discussion as a result of reading his dream journal, except, of course, if he gave it to you to read as a way of bringing the subject into the open. Of course, he may suspect that is why you are introducing the topic anyway.
Do you know if there is sex education at his school and if the school does anything about providing a climate that is accepting of "differences"? For example, does his school have a Gay Straight Alliance where gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and questioning youth and their straight allies meet and work towards preventing harassment or prejudice on campus. Perhaps you might let him know that you had heard about Gay Straight Alliances at schools and were wondering if his school has such a club.
It is difficult for me to say categorically when it is best for a parent to ask their teen if they are gay as so much depends on the individual and their comfort level. However, if you bring up the topic of Gay Straight Alliances you could say what a wonderful idea it is for schools to have such a club. You could then add how you believe it is important for parents to be accepting of their kids no matter what their sexual orientation or gender identity.
You might enquire if there is a PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) branch in your town so you could speak with other parents who have already dealt with this issue. Many parents have found this organization to be extremely supportive.
RESOURCES
Expert: Elaine Leader, Ph.D.
Bisexual
Question: My 15 year old daughter just told me she was "bi." She has a boyfriend and doesn't seem to have any lesbian tendencies. She is now telling her friends she is "bi" and I think this could come back to haunt her What should I do?
Posted By: Anonymous, Denver co Answer: It sounds like you were surprised, confused or at least concerned when your daughter told you she was “bi.” First of all, your daughter must trust you enough to feel comfortable to tell you this about her sexual orientation. Many teenagers are so fearful of rejection if they are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender that they do not confide in parents. The fact that she has a boyfriend does not rule out the possibility that she is also attracted to females.
In some schools it has become the “in” thing to say one is bisexual; this is particularly true for girls. It is a way of stating their “sophistication” regarding sexual orientation and a willingness to experiment sexually with both males and females. As you probably know, the adolescent stage of development is one wherein teens are trying out new roles and experimenting in many arenas, one of which is with sexuality.
Many teens who may experiment with same sex encounters during their adolescence are basically heterosexual and form lasting heterosexual relationships in adulthood. These are the teens that look back on any bisexual activity as “just a phase.” However, others who as teens say they are “bi,” find it much easier to tell others and themselves that they are bisexual than to come out as lesbian or gay even though they actually are questioning and suspect that is their true orientation. Being bisexual appears to be more acceptable in the eyes of one’s peers, parents and society in general.
As to what to do. Probably the best answer to this question is--Nothing! You are lucky that your daughter has come to you so openly. What is most important is that she should feel accepted in your eyes no matter what her sexual orientation is or will be. Keep the lines of communication open by letting her know you are available should she have any questions about sexuality, including sexual practices, and that you are there to listen if she wants to share her experiences with you.
Some parents are not comfortable with that. But even if you are, it is a good idea to suggest that she see if her school has a Gay Straight Alliance or a Project 10 where she could meet other teens who are dealing with issues around sexual orientation. She could also contact TEEN LINE through their website www.teenlineonline.org were she can get more information on LGBT issues and can email, call or Live Chat to a trained teen about anything that may be of concern to her.
RESOURCES
Expert: Elaine Leader, Ph.D.
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